Southwestern Stuffed Chicken with Mexican Rice Fakeout

*read all directions first, unless you're a guy...

Two of the most beautiful words in the grocery store language are "manager's special". When I see that boneless, skinless chicken cutlets half-price, day of or we'll throw it out manager special, you better believe I grab it!  It's like Chicken Marsala made easy. But let's just say your Marsala "evaporatored" since the last time you used it, and you got no 'shrooms, now what? Confusion cuisine!

 Let's face it, those tenders, breasts, cutlets, whatever, are pretty skinny. Real easy to pound paper thin and roll up like a tortilla. So what to put in it? That's easy. Let's journey back to my vegetarian days. Way before Rachael Ray I found a great 30 min. meal in an issue of Vegetarian Times for black bean burritos. They're quick, cheap, and easy; real easy! All you'll need is a tomato, half an onion, a couple of cloves of garlic, a can of black beans and some chili powder. Dice the onion and tomato the way you would cut a blooming onion (so you get a fine dice)and chop up the garlic. Sauté the onion for a couple of minutes, medium-high heat, open your beans( any basic, on sale 15 ounce can), add the garlic then dump in your beans and tomatoes. Add a couple of teaspoons of chili powder and let this mess cook down. Now let's get fancy. 

You'll need a jar of medium salsa. No matter what salsa you pick your always wrong so go with medium. Kind of like Goldilocks and the porridge except none of them are just right...hot's too hot for most people, medium's too hot for some people and mild, uh, that's called ketchup. You'll also need to cook half a cup of rice, make or get some shredder cheese and pound out those chicken breasts; holy crap, this is turning into work! I recommend putting your chicken breast between two pieces of plastic wrap before pounding. In the old days we used waxed paper but that was 20th century analog cooking. The plastic wrap keeps the salmonella/splatter factor down considerably.You see where this is going?

Okay, let your black bean mess thicken and cool down some.Cook your rice and lay out your chicken breasts. Put a very generous tablespoon or two of bean mess near the end of each breast. Top with some shredder cheese and roll them up. Seam side up, seam side down, it doesn't seem to matter. Now grease a casserole dish and put a little salsa in the bottom. Lay the roll ups in the dish and top with salsa and some more cheese. Put your oven at about 350(preheated of course), cover your dish with foil and give it a good 25 min. Your rice should be at least 5 min. or 10 min.done by now, so at this point check your chicken. Give the chicken another good 5 or 10 min. in the oven with the foil off.*Remember, stick a fork or a meat thermometer or your finger in the chicken to make sure it's done! When it's just about done go back to that sauté pan toss in some rice and salsa. Heat the rice and salsa through and serve with the chicken roll ups. It looks classy, sort of, and people might even thing you can cook, except for that fussy, assed bitch, Goldilocks!

Hobo Bi Bim Bop





Bi Bim Bop ( or bibimbbap) is a Korean dish, messy and needlessly complicated. Feel free to look up the real deal but the hobo version would be something like, Ramen noodles, hobo marinated(MD 20/20 Orange Jubelilee or Electric Melon, soy sauce, vinegar, garlic and onion powder and of course our old friend, Old Bay...feel free to add more or less) strips of your favorite protein, which of course you would fry up... thawed and nuked frozen veggies and greens(I'd go with spinach), 'shrooms, lotsa hotsa sauce, topped off with a fried egg or two. Send pix of the crime scene when yer done!!!

Fish Story

There'a alot of do’s and don’ts in cooking and here’s a major DON’T!  A lot of you may know this already, in which case you’re wasting your time reading this, but you won’t  know that until you’ve read it.  This either ironic or moronic, I’m  not sure…  Anyhow, there’s a saying that goes something like,”Fish and houseguests start to stink after 3 days”.   Well, thanks  to modern(?) technology fish can stink a whole lot faster.   I had some leftover fried fish chunks from the night before's catfish Po Boys so I turned them into fish tacos, using my microwave, which is fine, IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN APARTMENT!!!!!, oh yeah, and I had the fan in the window on exhaust.  Now I don’t have the greatest sense of smell which is how this whole thing started in the first place. 

Coupla weeks earlier I took some leftovers to the guitar store where I hang out and and am occasionally productive.  I made a curry that called for way too much rice, so I had all this extra curried rice in desperate need of something.  The only other leftovers I had were some fried fish chunks from the night before so I tossed ‘em in with the rice …those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat themselves, or their lunch.  I was in a hurry the next morning, so I grabbed my leftover concoction that I had planned to eat at home, alone that night and headed off to the guitar store.  Good thing I waited ‘til near closing time to nuke this stink bomb.  Now , mind you, I did not smell this. And I swear on my grandmom’s grave (wait  ‘til we get to her recipes and cooking secrets, they’re actually really, really good!)  that microwaving leftover fish was like setting off a neutron bomb.  Needless to say, there was what is known in the retail business as a BD, or business decline.  When I left at closing time[O1] , I’m sure the store’s proprietor was glad to see the back of my head getting smaller and smaller. 

Morale of the story, don’t nuke the whales or fish, unless they come in box with Mrs’ Pauls on the front!

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 [O1]

Rockstar inspired recipes:

I think it was Homer Simpson that said, "Rock stars, is there anything they can't teach us?".  It's always good to know a rockstar. Two words from Kenn Kweder,  Dinty Moore inspired these three dishes! The first two are simple variations on a theme. All you need is a casserole dish, something to grease it with, a couple of cans of Dinty Moore beef stew (or one really big one) and either instant mashed potatoes or Stovetop stuffing (a cheap storebrand version will do). Grease your casserole dish, dump in enough Dinty Moore (fill the dish to about halfway to a little less than two thirds full). Now, make up your instant mashed potatoes or stuffing according to package directions.  If you choose to use instant mashed potatoes to top Dinty Moore casserole you would be making a hobo Shepherd’s pie. If however you go stuffing route, you would be making a hobo beef potpie, either way it goes in the oven at about 350° for 20-25 min. Check it after 20 min. to see if it's set up, ie: knife test it.

Now the third dish. This one is based on a regional favorite in the Minnesota Iron Range(Dylan) and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (The Stooges, Alice Cooper, Nugent, the White Stripes, etc.). It's a little more complicated and no less hobo. Once again you'll need Dinty Moore. This time though you're going to be using it to fill meat pies known as pasties, no, there are no sweaty dollar bills involved! .  You’ll need, a box of storebrand rollout piecrust, some flour, a six-inch or so inch diameter bowl, an empty 40 bottle and a knife. Do not get pie shells they won't work for this! You will also need something to thicken up the Dinty Moore, either 2 tablespoons each of butter and flour or small glass of cold water and cornstarch.

Get out a pot for the Dinty Moore. If you want to go the flour and butter route (a roux) start by melting 2 tablespoons of butter in the pot.  Then slowly add new flour as you whisk it into the butter. Keep whisking until it reaches a light brown color then add your Dinty Moore. Keep stirring, you don't want Lumpy Gravy (again, is there anything rock stars can't teach us?). Cook this uncovered until it thickens up and can be spooned out without being runny. If you want to go the cornstarch and water method just start out by pouring the Dinty Moore right into the pot. Mix up a teaspoon of cornstarch in a small glass of cold water (a slurry) and slowly stir into the Dinty Moore, again leaving it uncovered to thicken.

Meanwhile, unroll the rollout piecrust onto a floured surface. Place your bowl over the piecrust and cut out as many rounds as you can. Flour your hands and take the leftover pieces of piecrust and mash them all together. Spread some flour and rollout your mashed piecrust dough mess with empty 40 bottle(rolling pin).  Use your bowl and knife and cut out as many rounds as you can. I think you know where this is going. Spoon some Dinty Moore into the center of each round. Be generous but not over generous. At this point fold the rounds in half and crimp the seams were edges. Take your knife and cut some cool looking vent slits in the top of each meat pie. If you're in a Martha Stewart kind of mood, feel free to bust open an egg, beat it and give the pasties an egg wash.  Put some aluminum foil on a baking dish or anything that won't melt in the oven, grease the foil and bake your pasties at 350°. Check them at about 15 min. then maybe 20 min. or until they look like something from a restaurant.  Hobo pasties!

Peasant Food/Hobo Food

My friend, Rich, got back from Italy a few weeks ago. He raved about the food in Venice. He said, few ingredients, not a lot of preparation, delicious! This reminds me of the time that my artist friend, Irene Woodbury stayed over at my place when she was going up the East Coast selling her art books, they are amazing!. She spent a lot of time in Italy, and now lives there. She made a pasta dish for me one night.  Now I was never a big mushroom fan, the thought of eating fungus always kind of creeped me out. She said, “ trust me”. The dish consisted of one simple tomato, finely chopped mushrooms, olive oil, and a clove or two of garlic. She chopped the shrooms, put them in the heated oil in the pan and cooked them down to a meat like consistency. While this was going on she boiled the pasta and chopped up the tomato. Somewhere along the line I'm sure garlic was involved. The tomatoes went in after the shrooms and cooked into a sauce. She put the sauce on the pasta. Simple right? Not much going on ,right? Two words,” mouth magic”! Absolutely, one of the best meals I've ever eaten in my entire life!

Now I have a ton of cookbooks, subscriptions to two cooking magazines, lots of recipes, nice pictures, but none of them can touch this dish. The lesson here is that fancy doesn't equal better, expensive doesn't equal better,… How many snobs does it take to screw in a lightbulb, make you an overpriced meal and then browbeat you into thinking it's really great, when it really isn't? Don't believe the hype!

*The hobo chef loves comments, and DOES take requests! This one goes out to my old buddy, Buster. While I do have a chicken dish which uses Peaches and Cream M D 20/20, a couple of disclaimers first. The only 20% in Mad Dog these days is food coloring. It's now a 13%er just like all of Mogan David's wines! There’s something  kosher or not kosher about this, I'm not sure. Also, it is very difficult for the hobo chef to acquire MD 20/20. While many do not know this, PA is a communist country. Look at the evidence. It's a Commonwealth with State Stores. I think you know where this is going. In the State’s infinite wisdom MD 20/20 was bannned in the history theme parks of Philly where the hobo chef lives. This was supposed to drive away hobos/winos.

Into the breach stepped 4 Loco, the high-energy drink that killed kids then morphed into a high alcohol drink (12% flavored malt beverages with a vast array of flavor profiles) that saved the winos. Below is a recipe for Stereotypical Chicken and Waffles, using four Loco watermelon flavor…

Stereotypical Chicken and WafflesBottom of Form

Yer hobo chef came up with a little sumpthin I call Stereotypical Chicken-n-Waffles. Now I personally don't get that whole "black people like chicken and watermelon thing", as if this were somehow degrading. I LOVE CHICKEN AND WATERMELON!!!!, who doesn't? They both taste real good so, WTF?  Anyhow back to our recipe which is already in progress:

1/2 can of Four Loco Watermelon(ya know the 24 ounce master cylinder)
2 pkgs of dollar store chicken thighs(Dollar tree), or" mgr special or we'll have to through it in the dumpster chicken..."
while yer at the dollar store, pick up a pkg of frozen buttermilk waffles
1/2 an onion chopped
2 jalapenos cut into cool looking little rings
shrooms, 'bout half a pound, sliced like they do in real restaurants
a bunch of flour, bread crumbs crushed up potato chips or Dorritos or whatever is handy in a bowl, dealer's choice...
salt, pepper, Mrs Dash, whatever, yer problem
2tbs oil in a fryin pan

Rinse the chicken(it's tasty but toxic)

Heat the oil in the pan(medium high heat, splattering oil hurts like a bitch!)

Coat each piece of bird in with whatever you put in the bowl

Let it fry up about 6-8 minutes on the first side and then turn it over, and fry another 4-6 minutes.
Add the the Four Loco(reserving the other 12 oz to drink w/dinner), shrooms, onions and jalapenos

Cover the fryin pan and cool yer jets to simmer, 20, 30, 40 minutes. Depends on how big the chicken is and whether you've got any circus geek in you

About a minute before you're ready to eat this mess toast an appropriate number of waffles...one waffle per piece is about right, unless you need the carbs, then buy 2 pkgs of waffles and make glutton assed sandwiches,ie: waffle, chicken, waffle

Put the waffle on the plate, put the chicken on the waffle, then spoon or dump some juice and veggies on it

As a rule I like some kind of greens, wilted with garlic and dill seed as a side, just to complete the stereotype

Drink the Four Loco, you will notice that it pairs well with the dish…Bon Apa, blu, bluh, bluh….

Double Sad Death

I used to love going to Chinese restaurants. Even though everything was numbered, the dishes still had these incredible names like, Triple Jade, Lug Nut Duck, or Happy Yum Yum Dragon. Just like the drinks in those tiki mugs with great names like Navy Grog, Mai Tai, or my personal favorite Suffering Bastard. Sadly those days are long gone. But they live on as the inspiration for the name of this dish. This is truly bottom of the barrel hobo cuisine, even a new low for confusion cuisine. It combines two of the lowliest forms of food life on earth into one poverty ridden nightmare. The bottom feeder package of Ramen noodles, and the two for a dollar Herrs Hot and Spicy Cheese Curls, you still with me? This is gonna get ugly. But I swear, this is a West Philadelphia staple… I think you know where this is going.

This dish gets its name from its double unhealthy punch ,ie: the MSG, trans fat, preservative, food coloring, carbohydrate laden cheese curls and that little sodium bomb package that comes with the Ramen noodles.  Which leads us to the name, Double Sad Death, high blood pressure and no doubt diabetes.

Way back when I was interviewed by music writer for a music paper in Baltimore, he came up with the term "rat think". Rat think is a combination of desperation and creativity, kind of how rats are forced to live all the time. This particular dish could just have easily been called Rat Think Surprise. But I like the whole Eastern/ Western confusion cuisine thing, what with the cheese curls and the Asian noodles and all.  My favorite Thai restaurant in the world is right next to my favorite late-night pizza place. Once for fun asked if I could get a grilled cheese sandwich at the Thai restaurant and I asked the pizza place for a slice of green curry pizza. It might be a small world but it's got some pretty big walls!*

So without further ado here goes. Prepare the Ramen noodles according to package directions and put them in a bowl. Open up the cheese curls (get the small bag), crush them, dump them in the bowl with the Ramen and the seasoning and dig in… Don't say you weren't warned.

Special thanks to Glenn on this one and remember don't try this at home kids!

*If you feel  a need to make this more “traditionally Asian”, then you can always substitute a bag of fried pork rinds.  A tad more protein, with no loss of unhealthiness…