Rockstar inspired recipes:

I think it was Homer Simpson that said, "Rock stars, is there anything they can't teach us?".  It's always good to know a rockstar. Two words from Kenn Kweder,  Dinty Moore inspired these three dishes! The first two are simple variations on a theme. All you need is a casserole dish, something to grease it with, a couple of cans of Dinty Moore beef stew (or one really big one) and either instant mashed potatoes or Stovetop stuffing (a cheap storebrand version will do). Grease your casserole dish, dump in enough Dinty Moore (fill the dish to about halfway to a little less than two thirds full). Now, make up your instant mashed potatoes or stuffing according to package directions.  If you choose to use instant mashed potatoes to top Dinty Moore casserole you would be making a hobo Shepherd’s pie. If however you go stuffing route, you would be making a hobo beef potpie, either way it goes in the oven at about 350° for 20-25 min. Check it after 20 min. to see if it's set up, ie: knife test it.

Now the third dish. This one is based on a regional favorite in the Minnesota Iron Range(Dylan) and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (The Stooges, Alice Cooper, Nugent, the White Stripes, etc.). It's a little more complicated and no less hobo. Once again you'll need Dinty Moore. This time though you're going to be using it to fill meat pies known as pasties, no, there are no sweaty dollar bills involved! .  You’ll need, a box of storebrand rollout piecrust, some flour, a six-inch or so inch diameter bowl, an empty 40 bottle and a knife. Do not get pie shells they won't work for this! You will also need something to thicken up the Dinty Moore, either 2 tablespoons each of butter and flour or small glass of cold water and cornstarch.

Get out a pot for the Dinty Moore. If you want to go the flour and butter route (a roux) start by melting 2 tablespoons of butter in the pot.  Then slowly add new flour as you whisk it into the butter. Keep whisking until it reaches a light brown color then add your Dinty Moore. Keep stirring, you don't want Lumpy Gravy (again, is there anything rock stars can't teach us?). Cook this uncovered until it thickens up and can be spooned out without being runny. If you want to go the cornstarch and water method just start out by pouring the Dinty Moore right into the pot. Mix up a teaspoon of cornstarch in a small glass of cold water (a slurry) and slowly stir into the Dinty Moore, again leaving it uncovered to thicken.

Meanwhile, unroll the rollout piecrust onto a floured surface. Place your bowl over the piecrust and cut out as many rounds as you can. Flour your hands and take the leftover pieces of piecrust and mash them all together. Spread some flour and rollout your mashed piecrust dough mess with empty 40 bottle(rolling pin).  Use your bowl and knife and cut out as many rounds as you can. I think you know where this is going. Spoon some Dinty Moore into the center of each round. Be generous but not over generous. At this point fold the rounds in half and crimp the seams were edges. Take your knife and cut some cool looking vent slits in the top of each meat pie. If you're in a Martha Stewart kind of mood, feel free to bust open an egg, beat it and give the pasties an egg wash.  Put some aluminum foil on a baking dish or anything that won't melt in the oven, grease the foil and bake your pasties at 350°. Check them at about 15 min. then maybe 20 min. or until they look like something from a restaurant.  Hobo pasties!

Peasant Food/Hobo Food

My friend, Rich, got back from Italy a few weeks ago. He raved about the food in Venice. He said, few ingredients, not a lot of preparation, delicious! This reminds me of the time that my artist friend, Irene Woodbury stayed over at my place when she was going up the East Coast selling her art books, they are amazing!. She spent a lot of time in Italy, and now lives there. She made a pasta dish for me one night.  Now I was never a big mushroom fan, the thought of eating fungus always kind of creeped me out. She said, “ trust me”. The dish consisted of one simple tomato, finely chopped mushrooms, olive oil, and a clove or two of garlic. She chopped the shrooms, put them in the heated oil in the pan and cooked them down to a meat like consistency. While this was going on she boiled the pasta and chopped up the tomato. Somewhere along the line I'm sure garlic was involved. The tomatoes went in after the shrooms and cooked into a sauce. She put the sauce on the pasta. Simple right? Not much going on ,right? Two words,” mouth magic”! Absolutely, one of the best meals I've ever eaten in my entire life!

Now I have a ton of cookbooks, subscriptions to two cooking magazines, lots of recipes, nice pictures, but none of them can touch this dish. The lesson here is that fancy doesn't equal better, expensive doesn't equal better,… How many snobs does it take to screw in a lightbulb, make you an overpriced meal and then browbeat you into thinking it's really great, when it really isn't? Don't believe the hype!

*The hobo chef loves comments, and DOES take requests! This one goes out to my old buddy, Buster. While I do have a chicken dish which uses Peaches and Cream M D 20/20, a couple of disclaimers first. The only 20% in Mad Dog these days is food coloring. It's now a 13%er just like all of Mogan David's wines! There’s something  kosher or not kosher about this, I'm not sure. Also, it is very difficult for the hobo chef to acquire MD 20/20. While many do not know this, PA is a communist country. Look at the evidence. It's a Commonwealth with State Stores. I think you know where this is going. In the State’s infinite wisdom MD 20/20 was bannned in the history theme parks of Philly where the hobo chef lives. This was supposed to drive away hobos/winos.

Into the breach stepped 4 Loco, the high-energy drink that killed kids then morphed into a high alcohol drink (12% flavored malt beverages with a vast array of flavor profiles) that saved the winos. Below is a recipe for Stereotypical Chicken and Waffles, using four Loco watermelon flavor…

Stereotypical Chicken and WafflesBottom of Form

Yer hobo chef came up with a little sumpthin I call Stereotypical Chicken-n-Waffles. Now I personally don't get that whole "black people like chicken and watermelon thing", as if this were somehow degrading. I LOVE CHICKEN AND WATERMELON!!!!, who doesn't? They both taste real good so, WTF?  Anyhow back to our recipe which is already in progress:

1/2 can of Four Loco Watermelon(ya know the 24 ounce master cylinder)
2 pkgs of dollar store chicken thighs(Dollar tree), or" mgr special or we'll have to through it in the dumpster chicken..."
while yer at the dollar store, pick up a pkg of frozen buttermilk waffles
1/2 an onion chopped
2 jalapenos cut into cool looking little rings
shrooms, 'bout half a pound, sliced like they do in real restaurants
a bunch of flour, bread crumbs crushed up potato chips or Dorritos or whatever is handy in a bowl, dealer's choice...
salt, pepper, Mrs Dash, whatever, yer problem
2tbs oil in a fryin pan

Rinse the chicken(it's tasty but toxic)

Heat the oil in the pan(medium high heat, splattering oil hurts like a bitch!)

Coat each piece of bird in with whatever you put in the bowl

Let it fry up about 6-8 minutes on the first side and then turn it over, and fry another 4-6 minutes.
Add the the Four Loco(reserving the other 12 oz to drink w/dinner), shrooms, onions and jalapenos

Cover the fryin pan and cool yer jets to simmer, 20, 30, 40 minutes. Depends on how big the chicken is and whether you've got any circus geek in you

About a minute before you're ready to eat this mess toast an appropriate number of waffles...one waffle per piece is about right, unless you need the carbs, then buy 2 pkgs of waffles and make glutton assed sandwiches,ie: waffle, chicken, waffle

Put the waffle on the plate, put the chicken on the waffle, then spoon or dump some juice and veggies on it

As a rule I like some kind of greens, wilted with garlic and dill seed as a side, just to complete the stereotype

Drink the Four Loco, you will notice that it pairs well with the dish…Bon Apa, blu, bluh, bluh….

Double Sad Death

I used to love going to Chinese restaurants. Even though everything was numbered, the dishes still had these incredible names like, Triple Jade, Lug Nut Duck, or Happy Yum Yum Dragon. Just like the drinks in those tiki mugs with great names like Navy Grog, Mai Tai, or my personal favorite Suffering Bastard. Sadly those days are long gone. But they live on as the inspiration for the name of this dish. This is truly bottom of the barrel hobo cuisine, even a new low for confusion cuisine. It combines two of the lowliest forms of food life on earth into one poverty ridden nightmare. The bottom feeder package of Ramen noodles, and the two for a dollar Herrs Hot and Spicy Cheese Curls, you still with me? This is gonna get ugly. But I swear, this is a West Philadelphia staple… I think you know where this is going.

This dish gets its name from its double unhealthy punch ,ie: the MSG, trans fat, preservative, food coloring, carbohydrate laden cheese curls and that little sodium bomb package that comes with the Ramen noodles.  Which leads us to the name, Double Sad Death, high blood pressure and no doubt diabetes.

Way back when I was interviewed by music writer for a music paper in Baltimore, he came up with the term "rat think". Rat think is a combination of desperation and creativity, kind of how rats are forced to live all the time. This particular dish could just have easily been called Rat Think Surprise. But I like the whole Eastern/ Western confusion cuisine thing, what with the cheese curls and the Asian noodles and all.  My favorite Thai restaurant in the world is right next to my favorite late-night pizza place. Once for fun asked if I could get a grilled cheese sandwich at the Thai restaurant and I asked the pizza place for a slice of green curry pizza. It might be a small world but it's got some pretty big walls!*

So without further ado here goes. Prepare the Ramen noodles according to package directions and put them in a bowl. Open up the cheese curls (get the small bag), crush them, dump them in the bowl with the Ramen and the seasoning and dig in… Don't say you weren't warned.

Special thanks to Glenn on this one and remember don't try this at home kids!

*If you feel  a need to make this more “traditionally Asian”, then you can always substitute a bag of fried pork rinds.  A tad more protein, with no loss of unhealthiness…

Beer – tinis

The hobo chef thinks it's time for a hobo cocktail recipe. Like a very wise (asssed) friend of mine once said, "the rich get richer and the poor get drunk". I'm from Baltimore and we have given this country many great things. A national anthem, the greatest football game ever played, Johnny Unitas, John Waters, Edgar Allan Poe, decent crab cakes and the list goes on. Now one of my favorite restaurants in the world is Pappas. Not only do they have the best crab cake in the known universe but they invented an amazing beer cocktail, called the Boh-tini. This is the ultimate hobo cocktail and it serves as an inspiration for every region to develop its own variation on this lowbrow theme, K, hon?

The Boh-tini is a glass of draft National Bohemian beer, rimmed with Old Bay seasoning and served with or without an olive.  Now it's usually served in a standard pint glass. Once I got a confused waiter who brought it to me in a martini glass. This was weird but elegant, and at a buck 25 I wasn't complainin'.

These days I live in Philly and so I racked my brain  to come up with a local variation. What we have here I'm calling the Yo-tini.  It combines two totally Philly elements. Yeungling Black and Tan beer and cheese, yeah that's right cheese. They put it on absolutely everything up here!  Here's how to make your own Yo-tini:

1 can of Yeungling Black and Tan

1 packet of that weird, yellow, powdery, "cheese" stuff that comes in a cheap box of mac & cheese

1 package of cheese cubes from the dollar store

1 coffee stirrer or some type of skewer (toothpick, unfolded paperclip, whatever)

1 dollar store martini glass

Empty the package of weird, yellow, powdery, "cheese"stuff into a bowl slightly bigger than a martini glass.  Wet/moisten the rim of the martini glass and grind it into the bowl of weird, yellow, powdery, "cheese" stuff, rimming the entire glass. Next, put three, five, or seven cubes of cheese on your skewer, remember, even numbers are bad luck. Fill the glass to the rim with the black and tan and place the skewer across or in the glass.

It's amazing how as one drinks this, one cannot help but be reminded of that glorious dish, Welsh rarebit, the rich porter flavors and the sharp yet subtle flavors of the cheese , delicious!… And yet so terribly hobo (about $5 should get you and a friend's evening started off nicely). Remember, with each big sip, munch on a cheese cube. I can't help but think that this would pair wonderfully with the world famous Philly soft pretzel and some high blood pressure medicine.

Please, feel free to come up with your own regional variations on the beer-tini.  The hobo chef looks forward to your responses!

• Hey, there might be a lockout, but we still gotta find hockey and eat!

  

  Wall Photos

  Hobo Chef here. The hobo chef likes hockey. Unfortunately, there's no "real hock

  ey" this year. But there's plenty of hobo hockey. Just like the last lockout I'll be watching plenty of club hockey, D level hockey, and college hockey at the Class of 1923 Penn Ice Rink. Which brings me to hockey food. Two favorite hockey foods are pasties (both the Midwestern meat vegetable pie type and the other type) and a player favorite pregame meal, chicken and pasta.
  
  Here's a hobo recipe for chicken and pasta, sort of. As that great chef Paula Poundstone once said if it takes more than three steps, it's cooking. I counted about nine in this dish so I guess it must be cooking. Yeah I know it's a frozen dinner but there's some work involved not to mention the countless serving suggestions, like put this stuff on a plate like the picture on the box or open a bag salad or butter some white bread. The great thing about this dinner is that it cost $.93, WOW!
  
  I could list the steps required to prepare this feast but considering you read this much you can most likely read the back of the box for yourself. Bon appétit and I'll see you at the rink!

  
  

Waste not, want not Breakfast!

Waste not, want not Breakfast!

There's only one thing that makes the hobo chef sicker than his own cooking. That would be wasted restaurant food!  Now this usually falls into the carb category, but I hate to see french fries, mashed potatoes or pasta wasted. I can't believe people just leave it there on the table!  All right, let's start with potatoes. Those french fries you were gonna toss, hold up a second.  Have them boxed and take them with you. 

Next morning chop 'em up and put some butter in a pan.  Toss in the taters and add some onion powder and garlic powder and chop them up with a spatula as they cook down. While they're cooking down grab an egg out of the fridge and some cheese and salsa/hot sauce. Now the egg to tater ratio is up to you, but the eggs go in first. I lived in Texas for a while so if you have a stray tortilla around it only makes things better. Let the eggs and taters set up, nuke the tortilla for 30 seconds, dump the eggs on half of the tortilla, and add cheese and salsa. Fold over and you have a breakfast taco! This can also be done with steak fries or planks, it's all food!!!

Now, leftover mashed potatoes. There's nothing better than potato pancakes. Grab your leftover mashed taters, one egg, onion, real or powdered and a ripped up piece of white bread, can't get enough carbs! Mash all this stuff together and form some White Castle burger sized cakes. Put some oil in your frying pan and stick the cakes in.  Brown 'em on each side, lift them out with a spatula, and bring on the condiments: grated cheese, sour cream or salsa( from the dollar store), on sale plain yogurt or a fried egg, be creative!

Now, that leftover pasta. This one's easy. Put some oil in the pan, pick your protein…ham, tofu, roadkill, your choice, toss in some red pepper flakes and crisp it up with the "protein".  Next, toss in the leftover pasta. Grab an egg out of the fridge, bust it, scramble it and chuck it in the pool.  At this point throw in whatever cheese you have lying around. Congratulations!, you've just made carbonara!

And to think, all that stuff would've wound up in the restaurant trashcan. Talk about recycling !!!!!!

WOW!

Hobo Chef has a hobo blog!  Let's start with a very simple yet trendy dish...(above: Open Faced Wish Slider with a butter reduction and side salad)

Down-size Me:

The wish slider…

"Ever since that Sherlock dude made that movie about fat people, food keeps getting’ smaller…"

"Yeah,  yeah, I, uh,  noticed that too Butthead…"

Beavis & Butthead are in agreement with the hobo chef. Food is shrinking at an alarming rate. I consulted the lazy chef experts on this, that would be the Wikipedia, and it seems McNuggets have been around since before Supersize Me ever filled us with gluttonous guilt. It must be linked to an evil worldwide plot, probably by Walmart to make us all starving Third World slaves.

Don't get me wrong even without consulting the wiki I noticed this trend has been around for a while.  Dim sum, tapas, haute cuisine, and those stupid little rice balls and raw fish called sushi, so nothing new folks. It's the classic mind fuck, say it's cool and they will come/cum…

Snackers,  Smalls, McNuggets, McBites, what's next,  McCrumbs, McDingleberries,  McMolecules, McQuarks ?!   It's not like this is a health thing, it's a money thing – less food, more breading, same calories, more profit!  My favorite example of this is the slider. Gimme a break!  They make White Castle burgers look like quarter pounders.  Sure, you can get beef, pulled pork, baby duck confit, pecan chicken encrusted blah, blah, blah – but all you're really getting is ripped off!

To adapt to this Starve New World,  I've come up with the ultimate emperor’s new clothes.  A DIY, downsized meal - "the wish slider".   Even better, " the open faced wish slider (TM) ".   The wish slider is of course based on the wish sandwich (two pieces of bread and you wish you had some meat ) made famous in a song recorded by a group called The Chips in 1956 and again by the Blues Brothers, in 1973.

To make the basic wish slider take an empty 40 bottle and use it to roll out a piece of white bread. Take a very small glass, like a kid’s juice glass, and cut out two circles. Put one circle atop the other, and voila!  This doesn't mean you can’t go gourmet, put butter, squirt cheese, or any packet of your favorite condiment between the two pieces, but at this point you're moving into hors d'oeuvre territory!  Now let's take the next step, the open faced wish slider. It halves the calories as well as the cost which doubles the value. BTW, moms, your kids will love ‘em. Especially if you go the extra mile and put a little smear of blue Play Dough on each one.  Remember, unlike McNuggets, Play Dough is non-toxic!